When a Woman Wants to Pull Back from Sex in a Relationship

I have many different lovers, and not all of them involve penetrative sex as part of our dynamic. Sex is on the table of connection, but it’s not always or ever the expressive form our intimacy takes.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my lovers about my feeling a new desire to pull back from the sexual aspect of our relationship.

I was nervous to have this conversation with him.

I’d been feeling this desire to shift things in our relationship for about two days, after we’d spent the night sleeping on the beach with several other beautiful men, and I felt myself overwhelmed by his energy.

For some context, ever since the volcano on the Big Island erupted last week, I had been displaced from my home and living a nomadic day-to-day existence.

I spent three days staying in the bungalow of another dear male friend of mine, who was kind enough to host me as I figured out my next steps.

I have been in total flow. Allowing myself to make decisions about my next move only when it feels intuitively clear in my body.

It’s a confronting thing as a woman learning how to holding multiple powerful intimate relationships with multiple men, without identifying and merging with any of them. Staying sovereign in my own identify, and allowing myself to connect from a place of presence, not projection.

And as I more and more embrace this nomadic lifestyle I am being gifted by the Universe, I am seeing now more than ever how important it is to be completely clear about what my body needs and wants in the moment.

And further, know how to express my wants and needs in such a way that they can be received and understood with grace and clarity.

That is my practice. And I am devoted to it. Which brings us back to the conversation I had in the car with my lover yesterday.

I had been avoiding him for about two days. Being aloof in our calls, avoidant in his desire to get together, because I was afraid he wanted me to give him something that I didn’t want to give, and I was afraid of feeling a potential lack of congruence in our connection.

That comes up a lot for me. The fear of being present to the fact that myself and an intimate partner my not want the same things, and having to feel the discomfort of that truth.

So with that being said, I also realized that this avoidance of connection when we fear experiencing discomfort, is no different from the very avoidance that causes wars and nuclear bombings.

Might seem like an extreme parallel to some, but ultimately, I do believe that all violence and evil that exists in the world stems from a simple fear of being rejected or not being loved, and that maybe if we could all just face our fears of rejection and say the vulnerable thing, this world would be a much more peaceful and joyful place.

In the words of John Lennon, “You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one”.

So anyway, yes, after avoiding my lover for a couple of days, he reached out with a text invitation that I felt myself a YES to. Thank goddess, and invitation I can be a full yes to. I love those. I graciously receive more of those.

He texted and asked if I wanted to meet him in Kona to drink kava and then going swimming at a secret beach.

I said yes. I loved the idea of being able to meet up with him during the daytime, where we wouldn’t have to worry about the conversation of if we were going to sleep together that night.

So I went into town, met him at the local Kava Bar, and on our drive to the secret beach, I allowed myself to open and share with him what was on my heart. I am going to paraphrase my conversation with him, but it went a little something like this:

“I’m at the place in my life where I’m realizing that ALL of my intimate relationships need to be completely adaptable and fluid as possible. The life I am choosing is one where I cannot be attached to any form staying the same simply because that is what it has been in the past.

I need to trust that my connections can grow and evolve with me, and we can do our best to rise above feelings of rejection or insecurity.

I have a deep love and respect for you and our connection, and I want to feel like we can flow in and out of spaces where sex is sometimes on the table, and sometimes not, and that regardless of which is true, that we are strong, solid, and in heart-felt connection with each other.

I want to feel that you can hold and take care of yourself as I share with you my needs and boundaries, and that would can always feel and trust in the depth of my love for you, regardless of whether or not that takes on a physical sexual expression.

I love you, and I know that this has way more to do with my own fears and past conditioning, than anything you have done, but nonetheless I need to share it with you, because if I don’t, me hiding my truth will create a divide between us that will inevitably propel us away from each other, and I don’t want that.

You are my ally, and our connection runs deeper than the pleasure we create together through our sex. I am so grateful for the connection that we have”.

So yes, it went something like that.

And he is sitting in the passenger seat of the car next to me, smiling, receiving, nodding and acknowledging all that I am saying, with understanding, love and gratitude in his words and eyes.

I feel received. I feel seen. I feel understand. I feel free. And I feel turned on.

I feel alive in the beauty of knowing that life is what we choose to make it, rather than tacitly comply with.

I cannot live a life of subjugation to standards set by society of what intimacy and relationship is supposed to be like.

I have too much magic to bring into this world, too much medicine, to allow my relationships to become a prison that I lock myself within. My relationships needs to support my vision, not suppress it.

And I feel blessed to witness that through doing my own personal work, I am attracting lovers and beings into my life that revere and mirror that desire for resonance and truth in connection. I am so grateful.

So I am sitting in the car, driving and smiling. Feeling free in my heart and body now that I have spoken the truth that I was previously sweating and trepidating on.

And together he took me to a secret beach in Kona, where we met up with a few amazing human beings, and were blessed to run into four EPIC SEA TURTLES, that I got to swim with, connect with, drop into the magical and ancient nature of their reality with.

That is one of the reasons I love this particular man, this particular lover. He is a native of this island, and every time I spend time with him, I gain access to a magical and natural experiences I could never have imagined or dreamed of.

In that moment, I was able to feel the beautiful affirmation of the work I am doing within myself and my relationships. It was RIGHT for me to have said yes to coming out with him.

I could have said no. I could have let my fear of vulnerable and uncomfortable connection get in the way of having a truly profound experience of intimacy and connection with these ancient turtle beings.

But I didn’t. I trusted myself, and that’s what I will continue to do. I will continue to say no when my body feels a no, and yes when my body feels a yes, and do deeper inquiry when lack of clarity is present.

And the more I devote myself to the truth that resides within me, regardless of whether or not there is logical or rational explanation behind it, the more I see the most radiant reality unfold before me that I could ever imagine.

About the Author:

Arielle is an Intimacy Coach, Writer, Facilitator & Psychonaut. Her personal path has been that of self-discovery through the art of intimacy, relationship and sexuality. In her private coaching work, she helps people to create “evolving relationship containers” that support self-actualization, fulfillment of desires, and personal sovereignty. Listen to her perspective on empowered relating here. Email her at arielle@ariellebrown.com to learn more about private coaching.