He sat across from me on the floor, tense in his body. His knees up, arms crossed over his shins, unknowingly blocking himself from the energetic connection available between us. He spoke from the chest up — I knew this because I can feel his words in my body.
I can feel where he stops himself from embodying his masculinity, his core, his cock — the aspects of him that had been shamed, persecuted, or made wrong, whether by women, by society, or by his mind.
Like many men, he feels it’s not safe or permitted to be all of who he is.
I pause him mid-speech, as I often do when I feel a client speaking but not saying anything. After nearly 6 years of this work, I’ve learned it’s not the words you say, but the transmission behind them, and I couldn’t feel him.
He is sharing about a recent date he went on with a new woman in his life.
He is exploring non-monogamy for the first time since his divorce of 16 years (ended 2 years ago), and wants to find approval for his desire to connect with multiple women, without caretaking anyone’s emotions or feeling guilty for his own honesty about what he will and won’t give.
As he shares his experience about this woman, I invite him to share with me as though he is sharing his experience with a lover — allowing me to feel the arousal he experienced in his body from the date.
Upon this invitation, his face lights up, his body relaxes — and he feels the freedom that drew him to our coaching work in the first place.
He embraces the invitation, and glides himself towards me, inviting me to scratch his beard the way the woman from his date did the night before, showing me how he kissed the woman on the cheek.
I feel myself flush, and he as well.
I am his coach, and I am also a woman in his life. I invite and receive his eroticism, his arousal, his desire — without needing, pulling, or shaming any aspect of what he brings to the experience.
Within the clear boundaries of our coaching relationship, he is free to be who he is when he stops care-taking and holding himself back.
I ask him what he is feeling. He replies that he is nervous, yet excited, exploring the boundaries of our working relationship together.
He says he feels frustrated that much of the time when I ask him what he is feeling — he doesn’t know. He wants to know. He wants to be able to respond.
His desire is vulnerable and deep. My job is to help him to free himself from the shackles of shame and doubt that so many men wear.
I invite him to feel the energy of his cock. He smiles whenever I say that word. A contained grin that reveals he is not used to women speaking about his genitals in such terms with such crass comfort.
I don’t need anything from him. I just want him to feel what it feels like to connect with his cock in the presence of a woman, and know that it is okay, that it is safe and so is he.
I look at him, and ask for consent to sit on his lap, demonstrating how I will sit. He says yes, and I proceed to wrap my legs around his lower torso, straddling his waist, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, his arms wrapped around my waist. And we hug.
I allow myself to melt into his embrace, and he can feel what it feels like for a woman to surrender into his arms. I hold him, I love him with my energy. I tell him that all of him is welcome here. That this is the man the world needs.
He is melting now. His eyes are warming. His body relaxing. A joy, an ease, a playful embodiment overcomes him that transforms him into an entirely different human.
“This is what I want. I want to be here all the time”. He says.
“You can take it with you”, I say. This energy that you and I are cultivating exists within you, and you have the ability to create it with anyone woman where there is a shared desire to do so.
Smiling. He. Me. Smiling. No grasping. No attachment. Just smiling.
I tell him that I’m going to get off of his lap, and I do. I look at the clock, 15 minutes until the end of our session. Perfect timing.
I remind him to remember what it felt like, to drop from his head into his body. To remember the moments where I paused him mid-word, inviting him to “come back down into your body, into your cock — speak from that place”. Inviting him to remember how it felt to transition from one space to the other.
“Practice dropping into this space with women in your life this week, with people in general. And text me to let me know what you notice and what you experience”.
He smiles. Yes, I actually understand what you’re saying now.
What has felt like a different language to him — the language of intuition, of energy, of feeling, is starting to make sense to him.
We hug goodbye, he leaves, and I smile. Content, that this is the work I get to do. Smiling because this is no work at all, this is home.
About the Author
Arielle is an Intimacy Coach & Workshop Facilitator, with a passion for supporting visionaries and change-makers in crafting containers for their relationships that can grow evolve as they do. Her coaching and community workshops focus on creating empowered and heart-centered approaches to verbal and energetic communication that prioritize transparency of desires, boundaries, and edges for spiritual growth. Learn more about her work at www.ariellebrown.com.